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来自 : www.bigear.cn/news-106-117...h 发布时间：2021-03-24

South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut (1999)
by Trey Parker, Matt Stone Pam Brady. Eighth Draft, January 21, 1999.
More info about this movie on imdb.com
FADE IN:
Very happy, Disneyesque MUSIC swirls in.
PAN DOWN from a pretty blue sky, to a small quaint town
nestled in the hills. A wooden sign tells us this is South
Park.
EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY
Birds fly into the air, TOWNSPEOPLE smile to each other as
they walk by.
It is a scene reminiscent of, if not directly ripped off
from, the opening number of \'Beauty and the Beast\'.
A little eight year old boy walks happily down the street. He
is STAN MARSH, a noble looking boy with piercing blue eyes
and a strong chin. As he walks, he sings a happy song.
STAN
I\'m going to the movies
To see the brighter side of life!
I\'m going to the movie
Everything\'s gonna be alright!
Forget all my troubles
Put my own life on hold
Let a studio tell me
how I should view the world
Where everything works out
I love it that way
I\'m going to the movies
The movies today!
Stan merrily walks up to a crappy looking house.
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
We are in a young boy\'s bedroom, just as his alarm clock goes
off. BRRRRRTTT!!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER
Good morning South Park! It\'s five-thirty
a.m. on Sunday!! Time to feed the horses
and water the cows!!
From the back, we see the blond haired kid sit up from his
bed. He stretches, and then walks over to his closet.
We still only see the boy from the back as he reaches in his
closet and pulls out an orange coat.
The kid puts his coat on, then turns to camera and pulls the
hood shut, so that we never get a good look at his face.
MOTHER (O.S.)
KENNY! YOU\'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR CHURCH!!!
This boy\'s name is KENNY, and under his orange coat, we have
no idea what he looks like, except for his European nose and
hazel eyes.
KENNY
Mph rmph rm!
INT. KENNY\'S HOUSE - KITCHEN
Kenny walks through his small, dirty house and into the
kitchen, where his MOTHER, FATHER and OLDER BROTHER are
sitting at the humble table.
KENNY\'S MOTHER
Sit down, you can share some of your
brother\'s waffle.
The doorbell rings. Kenny walks over to the door.
EXT. KENNY\'S HOUSE - DAY
Kenny opens the door to find Stan.
STAN
Kenny! The Terrance and Phillip movie is
out! You wanna come?!
Stan shows Kenny a newspaper clipping. It\'s an ad for the new
Terrance and Phillip movie \'Asses of fire\'. Kenny\'s eyes
light up.
KENNY
Mph rmph rm, rmph!
Kenny walks away with Stan. His mother comes out after him.
KENNY\'S MOTHER
Kenny! Where\'re you going?
KENNY
Mph mprh mprh rm!
KENNY\'S MOTHER
What do you mean you don\'t want to go to
church?
KENNY
Mrmph, rmph rmph rm rmph.
Kenny and Stan walk down the street.
KENNY\'S MOTHER
Well fine, go ahead and miss church!! And
then when you die and go to hell you can
ANSWER TO SATAN!!
Dramatic MUSIC STING. Kenny stops, thinks for a minute... And
then walks off with Stan anyway.
EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY
Stan and Kenny now both happily march down the street to the
happy beat.
TOM, a plastic surgeon, peeps his head out the door of his
Rhinoplasty office.
TOM
Say, where are you boys going?
STAN
We\'re going to the movies!
To see the brighter side of life!
Where everyone is beautiful
And have their hair combed just
right!
KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph rm!
Mph rm rmph rm!
Mprh rm rmph rm rm
Rmph rm rmph rm rmph!
TOM
Have fun you rascals!
EXT. KYLE\'S HOUSE - DAY
Kenny and Stan knock at the door.
A handsome eight year old Semite, KYLE, answers the door.
KYLE
Hey, dudes... Aren\'t you supposed to go
to church, Kenny?
STAN
Kyle, check it out.
Kenny holds up the newspaper clipping.
KYLE
OH MY GOD, DUDE!!!
Kyle slips on his coat and heads out the door. But just then,
Kyle\'s little brother, IKE, a two year old adopted Canadian
boy bounces up next to him.
KYLE
No, Ike! You can\'t come with me!
Kyle\'s MOTHER, a big fat bitch, comes to the door and yells.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Kyle, you take your little brother out to
play with you!
KYLE
Aw, ma!!
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Do as I say, Kyle!
Kyle\'s mother closes the door.
KYLE
Damn it!!
EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY
Now the three boys, and little Ike, merrily strut down the
street and sing in unison.
BOYS
We\'re going to the movies
To see the better side of life
Where something interesting happens
Every day and night!
KYLE
In movies we can pretend
That love is real
and good always wins-
STAN
We can even make believe marriages
last!
A HOMELESS guy is lying in the alley.
HOMELESS GUY
Spare a dollar? Spare a dollar?
Stan walks by and throws a dollar at him. The homeless guy
suddenly jumps up.
HOMELESS GUY
I\'m going to the movies!
To see the brighter side of life!
I\'m going to the movies
Everything\'s gonna be alright!
Forget my troubles
Put my own life on hold
Let a studio tell me
how to view the world!
KYLE
Let\'s go get fat ass!
EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - DAY
This house looks just like all the others.
INT. THAT SAME HOUSE
CLOSE UP on a bag that reads \'CHEESY POOFS\'. A hand reaches
into the bag, pulls out a wad of orange crunchies and raises
them --
BOOM UP to reveal the fat face of eight year old ERIC CARTMAN
who chows down on the chips.
Now we see that fat little Eric is sitting on his couch,
eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television.
The doorbell rings. Cartman doesn\'t move a muscle.
CARTMAN
MOM! SOMEBODY\'S AT THE DOOR!
CARTMAN\'S MOTHER enters. She is extremely June Cleaveresque
(except that she\'s a hermaphrodite crack whore). She returns
with Stan, Kyle and Kenny.
CARTMAN\'S MOTHER
Look, Eric it\'s your little friends.
CARTMAN
What the hell are you guys doing here?
IKE
Baba turtre bad!
Kyle holds up the newspaper ad.
CARTMAN
Ooh!
EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE
Now all four boys are merrily walking down the street and
singing.
BOYS
We\'re going to the movies
To see the better side of life!
CARTMAN
Maybe there\'ll be pirates!
Or a whole city burnin\'!
Maybe we\'ll see a monster
Or, better yet, Uma Thurman!
BOYS
We\'re going to the movies!
Everything\'s gonna be okay!
The boys skip out of frame.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY
The movie theatre is nestled neatly between two other South
Park buildings.
The boys walk up to the geeky, teenage TICKET GUY.
BOYS
Going to the movies!
The movies today!!!!!
STAN
Can I get five tickets to Terrance and
Phillip Asses of Fire, please?
TICKET GUY
No.
Suddenly, all the happy music that has permeated the film
comes to an ABRUPT HALT.
The boys look confused.
KYLE
What\'dya mean, no?
TICKET GUY
Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire is
rated \'R\'. You kids can\'t get in.
The boys look shocked. They just stand there, in silence.
CARTMAN
The hell we can\'t! My money is just as
good as any white person\'s!
TICKET GUY
You have to be accompanied by a parent or
guardian.
KYLE
But why?
TICKET GUY
Because this movie has naughty language,
and it might make you kids start using
bad words.
CARTMAN
Listen you son of a bitch, if you don\'t
let us in to see this movie I\'m gonna
kick you square in the nuts.
TICKET GUY
Sorry, Charlie.
KYLE
Damn it!
TICKET GUY
Next, please?
A few TEENAGERS walk up to get their tickets. The boys step
aside.
STAN
This is terrible! This can\'t be
happening!!
KYLE
We HAVE to see this movie, dude!
CARTMAN
Aw, screw it. It probably isn\'t all that
good anyway.
KYLE
Cartman! What the hell are you talking
about?! You LOVE Terrance and Philiip!
CARTMAN
Yeah, but the animation\'s all crappy - it
probably can\'t sustain itself over ninety
minutes.
IKE
Poo baba!
STAN
Wait! I\'ve got an idea!
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - A LITTLE LATER
The old Homeless guy from the intro song walks up to the
Ticket Guy with the boys.
HOMELESS GUY
Uh, hi. I want five tickets to Terrance
and Phillip Asses of Fire.
TICKET GUY
You realize this movie is rated R? It may
not be appropriate for your little ones.
HOMELESS GUY
Oh.
(Turning to boys)
Hey, he says this movie isn\'t appropriate
for you.
STAN
(Whispering)
Look, homeless guy, if you don\'t want to
buy us tickets, and NOT get your ten
bucks and NOT go buy yourself a bottle of
Vodka and not forget about how miserable
your life is and not stop the voices in
your head then go right ahead.
HOMELESS GUY
Five tickets please.
The Ticket guy suspiciously hands them over.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
The boys are all sitting in the front row. Cartman has a huge
tub of popcorn, all kinds of candy, and a large drink.
IKE
Purpre mama!
KYLE
Be quiet, Ike! The movie\'s starting!
ANGLE - MOVIE SCREEN
A TITLE reads \'Terrance and Phillip - Asses of Fire\'
BOYS
HOORAY!!!
On the screen, we come across PHILLIP, a very handsome
Canadian star with a great body.
PHILLIP
Say Terrance, what did the Spanish Priest
say to the Uranian gynecologist?
PAN OVER to TERRANCE, who is also Canadian, and equally
handsome in a more rugged way.
TERRANCE
I don\'t know, Phillip, what?
Phillip rips a big fart. Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
ANGLE - BOYS
Laughing their asses off.
KYLE
That was sweet!
STAN
Where do they come up with this stuff?!
CARTMAN
How come Terrance and Phillip are so
weird looking?
KYLE
Cuz, dummy they\'re Canadian, just like
Ike!
CARTMAN
Oh.
IKE
Poo bada!
ANGLE - SCREEN
TERRANCE
You\'re such a pigfucker, Phillip!
PHILLIP
What?! Why would you call me a
pigfucker?!
TERRANCE
Well, let\'s see... First of all, you fuck
pigs.
PHILLIP
Oh yeah!
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
ANGLE - BOYS
KYLE
Woa, dude! Did they say what I think they
said?
ANGLE - SCREEN
Terrance pulls out a white envelope.
TERRANCE
Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch, I
just got a letter!
PHILLIP
A letter from who, you shit sucking cock
master?
TRACK IN on the boys\' wide eyed faces as the dialogue from
the film enters their innocent ears.
TERRANCE
It\'s from your mother.
PHILLIP
My mother sent YOU a letter? What\'s it
say?
TERRANCE
It says \'Dear Terrance, please don\'t ever
tell my son that I licked your hairy
balls.\'
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
PHILLIP
Oh, you fucking ball whore!
The boys don\'t laugh, they just smile widely, they seem busy
taking it all in.
CARTMAN
Wow... Ball whore...
TERRANCE
Listen, you donkey raping shit eater-
KYLE
(To himself)
Donkey raping shit eater.
IKE
Doky maping she deeder!!!
TERRANCE
You\'d fuck your uncle!
PHILLIP
YOU\'D fuck your uncle!
TERRANCE
(Singing)
Shut your fucking face,
Unclefucka!!
You\'re an asslicking, Ball sucking
Unclefucka!!
You\'re an Unclefucka, yes it\'s true
Nobody fucks Uncles quite like you-
PHILLIP
SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE!!
UNCLEFUCKA!!!
YOU\'RE the one that fucked your
Uncle, UNCLEFUCKA!!!
You don\'t eat, or sleep or mow the
lawn
You just fuck your Uncle all day
long!
TERRANCE PHILLIP
Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka!
You butt licking bastard
Unclefucka!
TERRANCE
You\'re an Unclefucka I must say!
PHILLIP
You fucked YOUR Uncle yesterday!
TERRANCE PHILLIP
Unclefucka! That\'s YOUUUUUUU!!!!!
The song ends and the boys erupt into applause.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY
The boys walk out of the theatre with glazed eyes and wide
smiles.
KYLE
Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
CARTMAN
You bet your fucking ass it was!
STAN
Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrance
and Phillip!
TICKET GUY
Hey wait a minute... Where\'s your
guardian?
STAN
Huh?
TICKET GUY
I knew it! You PAID a homeless guy to get
you in, didn\'t you!
The boys think a second.
CARTMAN
Suck my balls.
KYLE
Yeah,
(Singing)
Shut your fucking face,
Unclefucka!!
The boys walk away, merrily. The ticket guy is in shock.
TICKET GUY
Oh oh, I\'m in trouble.
BOYS
(Singing, fading off)
You\'re an asslicking, ball sucking
Unclefucka!!
EXT. STARK\'S POND - DAY
All the children of South Park are gathered at the pond for
ice skating.
The scene is reminiscent of the skating scene from the
Charlie Brown Christmas special.
Delicate snowflakes fall, children laugh and skate, and
joyous music plays.
The boys walk up to the pond.
CLYDE
Hey, where have you guys been all day?
STAN
Oh, nowhere... We just went out to go see
the TERRANCE AND PHILLIP MOVIE!
All the kids gasp! Dramatic MUSIC STING.
BEBE
You saw it?!
CLYDE
How\'d you get in?!
Suddenly, all the kids are gathered around the boys. They\'re
like celebrities.
CARTMAN
Hey! Stop crowding us you shitfaced
cockmasters!
All the kids stop, wide eyed. As if they\'ve just hear the
voice of God.
KIDS
Wowwww...
STAN
Yeah, you\'re all a bunch of ass ramming
unclefuckers.
KIDS
Ooooohhh!!!
CLYDE
(To another kid)
We HAVE to see this movie, dude.
The other kids nod.
CARTMAN
Hey Stan, tell \'em about when Terrance
called Phillip a testicle shitting rectal
wart! Stan? Stan?
But Stan is elsewhere, because out on the ice, skating
gracefully, is little eight year old WENDY TESTABURGER.
The heavens part, a CHOIR OF ANGELS sing, as Wendy skates
around and around, performing a series of impossible Triple
Lutzes, Sowcows and what-have-you-not\'s.
All the animals of the forest -- deer, birds, bunnies -- all
stop to admire her.
Stan\'s smile grows wider and wider. Kyle turns to see what
he\'s looking at.
STAN
Thank my lucky stars
Here before me now
Is everything I\'d ever hoped for
Knew it in a word
Saw it in a glance
The only thing I think I\'d die
for...
KYLE
Aw, God Damn it, he\'s singing that
fucking song again.
ANGLE - WENDY
Spinning and soaring in slo-mo. Effortlessly covering every
inch of the pond with her ballet maneuvers.
Stan is slack-jawed.
STAN
I can\'t stop now
My heart\'s awake
I pray her arms
my arms to take
So this is why I\'m ali-
Wendy finishes her routine with a triumphant Hamill-camel
landing right in front of Stan and spraying ice in his face
and abruptly ending his song.
WENDY
Hi, Stan!
Stan vomits profusely all over himself.
WENDY
Ew! Gross!
Just then, another kid skates up, spraying more ice in Stan\'s
face. His name is GREGORY, and he is a very handsome eight
year old boy, with golden hair and an open-buttoned shirt. He
speaks with a rich English accent.
GREGORY
Come, Wendy, let us try to jump the hilly
brush.
Stan looks at Gregory.
STAN
Who are you, kid?
GREGORY
My name is Gregory. I have been Wendy\'s
counter-cousin for some time.
WENDY
Want to skate with us?
GREGORY
We\'ve been skating all morning. And
laughing and talking of memories past.
Gregory skates away. Stan looks stunned. Finally, he tries to
get Wendy\'s attention.
STAN
We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie!
WENDY
That\'s nice, Stan.
Wendy skates after Gregory. Stan looks completely rejected.
KYLE
Woa, dude, who\'s your girlfriend\'s new
guy?
STAN
She\'s not my girlfriend, dude!
Meanwhile, the schoolkids are all still gathered around
Cartman.
CARTMAN
Yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip
movie. Who wants to touch me? I said,
Who wants to touch me?!
A small boy steps forward and tentatively touches Cartman\'s
arm.
SMALL BOY
Oooooh...
EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - MORNING
Establishing shot of the little town of South Park which
consists of four buildings. The sun rises in the background.
It\'s a brand new day.
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
The elementary school is nestled peacefully between two
mountain peaks.
INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
The kids of South Park are all in their seats, singing.
KIDS
Shut your fucking face,
Unclefucka!!
You\'re a shitsucking, cocksucking
Unclefucka!!
The door opens, and suddenly the kids quiet down.
CLOSE-UP on a hand puppet with a large red hat. It seems to
be speaking.
MR. HAT
Okay, children, let\'s take our seats.
As the voice continues, we PULL BACK to reveal that the
puppet is on the right hand of MR. GARRISON, a forty-six year
old teacher who is in denial about his homosexuality.
MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)
We have a lot to learn and precious
little time.
Garrison looks over the class and notices that every single
one of them is wearing a Terrance and Phillip T-shirt,
except, of course, for Wendy.
MR. GARRISON
Why is everyone wearing T-shirts of
Sigfried and Roy?
KYLE
It\'s not Sigried and Roy, Mr. Garrison,
it\'s Terrance and Phillip.
KIDS
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!
Stan looks over at Wendy. She just rolls her eyes. Stan
sulks.
MR. GARRISON
Well, anyway... Today children, our
friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all
about the environment.
MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)
That\'s right, Mr. Garrison. The
environment is what surrounds us. It is
what we live and breathe.
CARTMAN
I hate the environment.
KYLE
Dude, how can you hate the environment?
CARTMAN
\'Cuz, dude, it\'s all sticky and airy and
fragile and stuff. I fucking hate it.
The kids all GASP!
MR. GARRISON
Eric! Did you just say the F word?
CARTMAN
Fragile?
KYLE
No, he\'s talking about fuck, dude. You
can\'t say fuck in front of Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON
Kyle!
CARTMAN
Why the fuck not?
MR. GARRISON
Eric!
STAN
Dude, you just said fuck again.
MR. GARRISON
Stanly!
KENNY
Mph.
MR. GARRISON
Kenny!
CARTMAN
That\'s bullshit! If Terrance and Phillip
can say something, I should be able to
say it too!
BEBE
Wow, Cartman\'s cool!
CLYDE
He\'s like Terrance and Phillip!
Cartman gloats proudly.
CARTMAN
Fuckin\' a right.
MR. GARRISON
How would you like to go to the
principal\'s office?
CARTMAN
How would you like to gargle rat jiz?
Mr. Garrison is in shock.
MR. GARRISON
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!
CARTMAN
I said -
Cartman takes out a megaphone, hits the switch and puts it
to his mouth. It feeds back horribly.
CARTMAN
(Through megaphone)
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GARGLE RAT JIZ?!
Garrison is floored.
KYLE
Oh, dude we are fucked now.
INT. PRINCIPAL\'S OFFICE - DAY
The boys are seated in front of the Principal\'s desk.
STAN
Now remember, don\'t tell anybody we saw
the Terrance and Phillip movie!
KYLE
Yeah, let\'s swear we won\'t tell!
Just then, the Principal walks in. She is PRINCIPAL VICTORIA,
a frizzy haired woman of about forty.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I am VERY disappointed in you boys!
You should be ASHAMED of yourselves! I\'ve
already called in your parents, but first
I want you to THINK about what you\'ve
done.
CARTMAN
Principal Victoria, can I ask a question?
PRINCPAL VICTORIA
What?
CARTMAN
What\'s the big fucking deal?
STAN
Yeah.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
AGH!! I want to know where you heard
these horrific obscenities!
The boys look at each other.
STAN
Nowhere.
KYLE
I\'VE heard them from Mr. Garrison a few
times before...
STAN
Yeah!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison
ever said-
(Reading)
\'Eat penguin shit you cum sucking ass
spelunker\' in school!
The boys all laugh.
But then the door opens and in walks Stan\'s mother, Kyle\'s
mother, Cartman\'s mother and Kenny\'s mother.
STAN
Oh, oh...
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Thank you all for coming on such short
notice. As you can see, your boys are all
being disciplined.
STAN\'S MOTHER
This just isn\'t like you, Stanley!
Stan looks down at the floor.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
What did my son say, Principal Victoria?
Did he say the S word?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
No, it was worse than that...
KYLE\'S MOTHER
(Gasping)
The F word?!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
No, worse. Here\'s a short list of the
things they\'ve been saying.
The mothers look over the sheet of paper. Immediately, their
eyes bulge.
STAN\'S MOTHER
Oh dear God...
KYLE\'S MOTHER
What is \'fisting\'?
CARTMAN\'S MOTHER
That\'s when the fist is inserted into the
anus or vagina for sexual pleasure.
The two moms stare at Ms. Cartman.
CARTMAN\'S MOTHER
What?
KYLE\'S MOTHER
(To Kyle)
Young man, you will tell Peincipal
Victoria THIS INSTANT where you heard all
these horrible phrases!
KYLE
I can\'t dude! We all took a sacred oath,
and swore ourselves to secrecy!
CARTMAN
It was the Terrance and Phllip movie!
STAN
Dude!
CARTMAN
What? Fuck you guys, I wanna get out of
here.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Terrance and Phillip MOVIE?! Oy gevalt!
Not again!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
What is Terrance and Phillip?
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Terrance and Phillip are two VERY
untalented, unfunny actors from Canada.
Their TV show is filled with toilet humor
and bad language and is just complete
garbage. Now it appears they have a
movie and I\'m positive it\'s not suitable
for children!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, it looks like I\'ll have to send a
warning letter out to parents. I have to
put a stop to this before MORE children
see \'Terrance and Phillip\'.
CARTMAN
Everybody\'s already fucking seen it.
MS. CARTMAN
Eric!
CARTMAN
I\'m sorry! I can\'t help it!! That movie
has warped my fragile little mind.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Alright, boys, that\'s enough. Get out and
let us adults speak.
The boys get up and walk out. Kyle\'s mother slams the door
behind them.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
We must take action on this immediately.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Ooh yes. I think we\'ll have to give
detention to those boys.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Forgive me for saying so, Principal
Victoria, but your methods are too...
Shall we say... soft? As head of the
PTA, I am exercising my right under
article 42 of the PTA code.
A look of shock comes over the principal\'s face.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Article 42! You don\'t mean-?!
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Yes Principal Victoria. The PTA is
impeaching you.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
But I-
KYLE\'S MOTHER
You are officially relieved of your
duties as principal of this school!
Kyle\'s mother sits herself down at Principal Victoria\'s desk.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Get out of that chair! The PTA is in
charge now!
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
The other school kids are in line for lunch.
Just then, the Kyle\'s mother\'s voice comes blaring through
the P.A.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Attention students. We are now enforcing
a new dress code at South Park
Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts
are NO LONGER ALLOWED IN SCHOOL. Anyone
wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is
to be SENT HOME IMMEDIATELY.
The kids look down. They\'re all wearing Terrance and Phillip
shirts.
KIDS
HOOORAY!!!
The kids all cheer and run out the door. Leaving the
cafeteria absolutely empty... Except for Wendy.
WENDY
Hello?
Wendy\'s hello echoes throughout the entire building.
INT. TELEVISION SET
A dapper NEWS ANCHOR sits behind a news desk.
NEWS ANCHOR
All over America, kids are flocking to
the R rated film, \'Terrance and Phillip
Asses of Fire\'. Here with a special
report, is a quadriplegic midget in a
bikini.
INT. SPELLING BEE - DAY
A QUADRIPLEGIC MIDGET IN A BIKINI stands in front of the
camera with a microphone.
Q. MIDGET W/BIKINI
Thanks, Tom. It appears that the effects
of the Canadian Comedy are far reaching
indeed. All over America, children seem
to be influenced.
A TEACHER is on stage with a young spelling bee contestant.
TEACHER
Alright, this is for the silver medal.
Spell \'Forensics\'.
KID
Oh, fuck that, why should I fucking have
to spell forensics?
All the kids cheer.
KID
Here you go; S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S,
FORENSICS.
CUT TO:
EXT. BIRTHDAY PARTY - DAY
A happy birthday party is going on is some kids backyard. A
clown is entertaining everyone.
CLOWN
Hey kids, how would you like to see some
magic tricks?!
KIDS
FUCK YOU!!
The clown looks startled.
CLOWN
Huh?
CHILD
Yeah, and fuck your stupid little red
nose.
CHILD 2
Yeah, and fuck your yellow hair. And fuck
your gay pants.
PAN OVER to again find the midget reporter. He now has a
graphic of a record chart next to him.
Q. MIDGET W/BIKINI
And the devastating impact of the
Canadian phenomenon is Terrance and
Phillip\'s new hit song, Shut Your
Fucking Face, Unclefucka which has
climbed the charts with a bullet --
We see a clip from the video, Unclefucka.
The video has Terrance and Phillip dressed like Mase and
Puffy in that video they did in Vegas. They wear shiny
bright jumpsuits and lunge at the fish-eye lens of the
camera.
TERRANCE PHILLIP
(Singing)
Shut your fucking face!
Unclefucka!!
INT. NEWSROOM - DAY
The news anchor shakes his head in disgust.
NEWS ANCHOR
Thanks, midget. Shocking report. The
controversy surrounding the Terrance and
Phillip movie began in the small mountain
town of South Park, Colorado where the
local PTA banned the movie. With us
tonight is the head of the South Park
PTA, Sheila Brofloski-
A screen appears with Kyle\'s mother, looking very pissed. The
TITLE below her reads \'Outraged Mother\'.
NEWS ANCHOR
Ms. Brovlofski, how are these kids seeing
this film? Is bad parenting to blame? Or
is it Canada?
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Canada!
NEWS ANCHOR
Alright. Here with a counterpoint is the
Canadian Minister of Movies.
A split screen appears, Kyle\'s mother on one side, and a
goofy looking Canadian slides into the other.
NEWS ANCHOR
Thank you, Minister, for joining us.
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
Thanks for having me, buddy.
NEWS ANCHOR
Minister, parents all over America are
concerned about your country\'s
entertainment. Your thoughts?
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
Well, the film is R rated, and it\'s not
intended for children-
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Oh but OF COURSE children are going to
see it!!
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
Uh, can I finish? Can I finish? ...The
fact is that we Canadians are quite
surprised by your outrage-
KYLE\'S MOTHER
YOU JUST DON\'T CARE!
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
Can I finish? Hello? Can I finish? ...The
United States has graphic images of
violence on television all the time, what
is that one show? COPS? And car crashes
caught on tape? We can\'t believe that a
movie with some foul language and fart
jokes would piss you off so much.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
BECAUSE IT\'S EVIL!!
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
Can I finish? Please? Can I finish? ...
... Uh... Okay, I\'m finished.
NEWS ANCHOR
But minister, it isn\'t like this film is
the first troublesome thing to come out
of Canada. Let us not forget Brian Adams
a few decades ago.
The Minister thinks.
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
What?
KYLE\'S MOTHER
The Canadians are just mad that we
mothers here in South Park have the
chutzpah to stand up to them! Like it or
not, Mr. Canadian Minister, OUR children
are now safe from your Canadian smut!
INT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY
The boys are in the front row, this time with Wendy, watching
the Terrance and Phillip movie.
TERRANCE
Well, Terrance I hope you learned
something from this whole experience.
PHILLIP
I did, Terrance, I learned that you are a
boner biting dick fart fuck face!
The boys laugh merrily. Wendy just looks bored.
TERRANCE
Say Phillip, want to see the Northern
Lights?
PHILLIP
You bet, Terrance!
Terrance pulls out a match, lights it, then farts.
The flame burns Terrance to a blackened mass.
PHILLIP
HA HA HA! You burned yourself to death by
lighting the fart! HA HA HA!!
TERRANCE
(Just a skull)
I sure did, Phillip!!
The boys laugh hysterically.
STAN
Did you see that, Wendy?
WENDY
Yup.
EXT. THEATER - DAY
The boys walk out happily.
KYLE
Man, that movie gets better every time I
see it!
CARTMAN
Yeah, but you know what? That whole part
about lighting farts is bullshit. You
can\'t do that.
KENNY
Mph rmpmh rm.
CARTMAN
No way.
STAN
Didn\'t you think it was funny, Wendy?
WENDY
Stan... I think you and I need some time
apart.
STAN
WHAT?!
CARTMAN
Oh shit.
WENDY
It\'s just... It\'s obvious that we don\'t
have a whole lot in common anymore. I
need somebody who\'s... a little deeper.
STAN
But Wendy, I can go-
Wendy places her little gloved hand over Stan\'s mouth.
WENDY
No. Don\'t speak. You\'ll only make things
more annoying. Goodbye, Stan.
And just like that, Wendy is gone. Stan looks almost ready to
cry.
Kyle walks up behind Stan.
KYLE
Dude, anybody who doesn\'t think Terrance
and Phillip is funny can fuck off
anyways.
STAN
(Insincere)
Yeah...
The boys walk off.
KENNY
Mph rmph rm!!
CARTMAN
No you can\'t Kenny!
KENNY
Mph rm rmph!!
CARTMAN
Okay Kenny, I\'ll bet you a HUNDRED
DOLLARS you can\'t light a fart on fire!
KENNY
Mph mm!
Kenny pulls out a book of matches.
He strikes a match and holds it under his ass.
After a few seconds Kenny farts, and there is a little flame.
Suddenly, the flames catch and Kenny starts burning alive.
KENNY
MMMPMMPH!!! MGMFEODFO!!!
Kenny runs around, and finally falls to the ground, still
burning.
STAN
OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED KENNY!!
KYLE
YOU BASTARD!!
Cartman looks shocked.
CARTMAN
Wow, I guess you CAN do that!
INT. HOSPITAL - LATER
DOCTORS and NURSES are pushing Kenny into the operating room
ER style.
Everything is quick and chaotic. Shouts fill the hallway.
NURSE
CBC chem kit STAT!!
DOCTOR GAUCHE
LOAD THAT I.V. WITH 70CCS OF SODIUM
PENTOTHAL!!
INT. OPERATING ROOM
It\'s mid-operation.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Siphon the fluid off his brain!! Vacuum!
Another nurse hands him a sucker tube. He immediately shoves
into Kenny\'s skull. It starts to slurp and burble.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Try to untangle his trachea and
esophagus!
NURSE
Right!
While Doctor Gauche wrestles with Kenny\'s lungs and torso,
the nurse reaches into Kenny\'s mouth and pulls both his
windpipe and esophagus out of his mouth, turning them inside
out in the process.
Off to the side, Stan, Cartman and Kyle look on as the doctor
and nurses tangle themselves in knots with Kenny\'s innards.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
No! THAT DOESN\'T GO THERE!!
NURSE
Watch his liver!!!
Kenny\'s liver POPS out of his torso and slides across the
floor.
ASSISTANT
I\'ll get it!!!
DOCTOR GAUCHE
We have precious little time left people!
We\'re going to lose him soon!!
Suddenly, there is a long, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
NURSE
Doctor, his heart\'s stopped!
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Crack him. Let\'s get it out of there!!!
Doctor Gauche lifts Kenny\'s heart out of his body.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
We need to zap this, quick!
And runs it to the microwave. He opens the door.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Who\'s making a potato?
DOCTOR 2
My bad, sir. I missed lunch.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Damn it! I am NOT going to lose this
kid!!!!!!
INT. RECOVERY ROOM - LATER
Fade up from black. We\'re close on Kenny\'s face. His little
eyes start to open.
Doctor Gauche leans over him Kenny. Stan and Kyle are
there.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Kenny. Kenny, can you hear me?
Kenny stirs.
KENNY
(Weakly)
Mph rmph rm...
DOCTOR GAUCHE
How are you feeling, son?
KENNY
mph.... rmph....
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Great... Son, I have some bad news. We
accidentally replaced your heart with a
baked potato. You have about seven
seconds to live.
KENNY
Mrm?!
Just then, Kenny\'s baked potato heart explodes, splattering
gore all over the inside of the recovery room and on the
outside of Dr. Gauche, Stan and Kyle.
STAN
Oh my God! THEY killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!!
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Damn it! It never gets any easier!
Anybody get the score of that Broncos
game?
INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM
Kyle\'s mother is waiting with the rest of the parents.
The nurse walks up to Kenny\'s parents with a sad expression.
NURSE
I\'m sorry...
Kenny\'s mother breaks down.
KENNY\'S MOTHER
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KENNY\'S DAD
You bastards!
KYLE\'S MOTHER
I knew this would happen! Those bastard
Canadians have now killed a child! Can\'t
people see the damage that film is
doing?!
STAN\'S MOTHER
He was killed doing something he saw in
the movie. It was Terrance and Phillip...
THEY killed Kenny.
CARTMAN\'S MOTHER
You bastards.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
This is it! The time for action is NOW!!
(Singing)
Something must be done!
This is like a spreading rash!
They\'re pulling out our children\'s
brains
and filling them with trash!
Can\'t you see what this is leading
to?
A world of smut and sex and poo!
I believe the good fight has begun!
Something must be done!
Everyone gathers around Kyle\'s mother.
STAN\'S MOTHER
I agree!
(Singing)
Something must be done!
We must take action fast!
My child used to say \'please and
thank you\'
Now he says suck my ass!
CARTMAN\'S MOTHER
And my boy was the sweetest boy the
world had ever known!
until those damn Canadians brought
that filth into our home!
I agree that there is now a battle
to be won!
We can\'t just stand here singing!
Something must be done!
KENNY\'S MOTHER
But what are we going to do against the
media machine? It\'s so big and powerful!
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Right! And we can use that same media
machine to exploit OUR cause! We\'ve got
to let the whole world know what the
Canadians did to your son!
PARENTS
Yeah!!
KYLE\'S MOTHER
COME ON!
The parents all head out the door-
EXT. HOSPITAL - CONTINUOUS
The doors to the hospital swing open, and the parents march
out into the street, singing in unison as they go.
PARENTS
(Singing)
Something must be done!
Something\'s gotta give!
This world has become a bitch in
which
we have no desire to live!
Cars come screeching to a halt as the parents sing in the
middle of the road. People start honking their horns in
frustration.
KENNY\'S MOTHER
My boy could have become a doctor
Or a lawyer rich and true
Instead he burned up like a piggy
on a bar-b-que!
KYLE\'S MOTHER
We will fight for children\'s rights
in memory of your son!
PARENTS
We can\'t just stand here singing!
Something must be done!
Cars are now smashing into each other, and flying off the
road to people\'s deaths, as the music number has taken over
the busy intersection.
PARENTS
We\'ve pushed and pushed it to the
edge
And now the time has come!
Something\'s gotta change!
It\'s time to buy a gun!
We can\'t just stand here singing
No we can\'t just stand here singing
No we can\'t just stand here
singing!
Something must be done!!!
A few more cars careen off and explode into flames as if
ending the song with a borage of fireworks.
INT. OPERATING ROOM -
The boys gather around Kenny\'s lifeless body.
CARTMAN
(Dazed)
I bet him he couldn\'t do it... I bet him
a hundred dollars!
KYLE
Come on, Cartman. It\'s not your fault.
CARTMAN
No, I know. I\'m just fucking STOKED I
don\'t have to pay him!
KYLE
Oh.
The boys walk out, leaving Kenny\'s corpse behind. We can
still hear the boys voices as they exit.
KYLE (O.S.)
I can\'t believe he\'s dead.
CARTMAN (O.S.)
Yeah, I\'m having total deja vu right now.
Like this has all happened before...
After they leave, PUSH IN to Kenny\'s dead body, which is
left all alone on the operating table.
The camera continues to zoom in to Kenny\'s face...
ZOOM IN on Kenny\'s dead face. We pass into his thoughs...
FLASH!!
EXT. SPACE -
Kenny\'s body is floating through a great void. A PEACEFUL
SONG plays as he soars upwards to the heavens.
*note - except for Kenny\'s little construction paper body,
this entire sequence should be done in 3D CGI.
Ahead of him, Kenny can see a great white light. It appears
warm and inviting.
Now Kenny notices large beautiful breasts bobbing up and down
in the heavens. He reaches out to touch them.
Kenny blissfully floats upward toward the bright light and
bobbing breasts. The music crescendos as Kenny gets almost
close enough to the light to touch it.
Just then, a huge, electronic sign pops up. \'Access Denied\'.
Suddenly, Kenny goes spiraling downward. The song changes to
a MINISTRY type number as Kenny\'s surroundings start to
become darker and more twisted.
Kenny\'s hapless spirit enters a horrifying red tunnel, filled
with flames and heat.
KENNY
Mph rmph rm!
Burning souls SCREAM and CRY all around Kenny, as his body
plunges into what is now obviously the depths of hell.
Kenny passes images of Hitler, John Wayne Gacy, hunger and
disease as he continues through the twisting tunnel.
He then passes images of Jimmy Stewart and Gandhi. All of
whom are opportunely locked in hell for all eternity.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY
The same ticket guy from before is at the ticket booth. The
marquee still reads \'Terrance and Phillip\' but a huge sticker
has been placed over it that reads \'banned\'.
The boys stand underneath the marquee looking baffled.
STAN
How can they do this?
KYLE
It isn\'t fair!
CARTMAN
Well, Terrance and Phillip are on Conan
O\'Brian tonight, we could at least go
watch that.
The boys hang their heads and walks away.
The ticket guy suddenly hears a bunch of commotion. He sees a
mob of angry mothers, led by Kyle\'s mother.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
THIS must be him, officer! This is the
scum that sold R rated tickets to
children!
TICKET GUY
What?! Jesus Christ, I didn\'t mean to!
Barbrady slaps handcuffs on the freaked out teen.
OFFICER BARBRADY
You can explain downtown!
TICKET GUY
(Getting dragged away)
Oh shit! Hey it\'s not MY fault! You
should arrest those pervert Canadians!
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Oh we will, Mr. Scumbag... We will...
EXT. CARTMAN\'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Establishing.
INT. CARTMAN\'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The boys are sitting on Cartman\'s couch watching TV.
ANGLE - TELEVISION - THE CONAN O\'BRIAN SHOW
Conan comes back from a commercial break. Sitting next to
him, is Ms. Brooke Shields.
CONAN O\'BRIAN
Our next guests have the number one movie
in the world right now, please welcome
Terrance and Phillip!
A few cheers as Terrance and Phillip walk out on stage. A few
boos as well, and we see that the South Park mothers are in
the audience holding \'Anti-Terrance and Phillip\' signs.
Terrance and Phillip walk out and sit next to Brooke Shields.
PHILLIP
Hello, Conan!
TERRANCE
Hello, Brooke Shields!
CONAN
It\'s nice to have you here in America.
PHILLIP
Yeah, well, you being a Canadian and all,
we thought what the hell!
CONAN O\'BRIAN
So guys... I understand you have a comedy
routine worked out for us.
PHILLIP
We sure do, Conan. And here it is. Excuse
me, Terrance.
TERRANCE
Yes, Phillip?
Phillip rips a fart that launches Terrance backwards and into
the band. They both laugh wildly.
PHILLIP
Gotcha!
Terrance and Phillip laugh. Nobody in the audience laughs.
ANGLE - BOYS
They laugh merrily.
RESUME - THE CONAN O\'BRIAN SHOW
TERRANCE
Good one, Phillip! Cheers.
PHILLIP
Cheers, Terrance!
Terrance extricates himself from the band. Conan is growing
nervous. He looks out into the audience...
Kyle\'s mother is sitting there, looking angry. Conan makes
eye contact with her, and then nods his head. Kyle\'s mother
nods back.
CONAN O\'BRIAN
(Nervous)
So, guys, I need to ask you a serious
question...
PHILLIP
I just farted Terrance back into the
stone age!
They both laugh hard.
Brooke Shields waits a beat, then belts out a fake laugh.
BROOKE SHIELDS
I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!
TERRANCE
Nobody cares, Brooke Shields!
CONAN O\'BRIAN
Terrance and Phillip... Whose idea was
it, to have a person lighting a fart on
fire in your movie? Who is responsible
for that?
Terrance and Phillip exhange glances.
TERRANCE
Phillip, I think our friend Conan has
been working too hard.
CONAN O\'BRIAN
Say it! It was YOUR idea to have someone
light a fart on fire in your movie!
PHILLIP/TERRANCE
(Together)
It was our idea to have someone light a
fart on fire in your movie.
ANGLE ON THE AUDIENCE
Kyle\'s mother is among them, listening to all this.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
(Into her lapel)
That\'s it! Move, move, move!
ANGLE ON TERRANCE AND PHILLIP
A battalion of Army guys appear, seize Terrance and Phillip
and arrest everyone in their group.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Terrance and Phillip, you are under
arrest for working in America without the
proper documents! WE GOT YOU!
ANGLE - BOYS
KYLE
Dude, what the hell is going on?
RESUME - THE CONAN O\'BRIAN SHOW
TERRANCE
Phillip, we\'ve been tricked and ambushed
by The Conan O\'Brian Show!!
PHILLIP
This little scrotum sucker willfully
deceived us!
(Pointing to Conan)
You are a bad man!
TERRANCE
And you call yourself a Canadian!
(To Phillip)
I told you we should of done Leno!
Conan O\'Brian turns away, ashamed.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Don\'t listen to them, Mr. O\'Brian.
They\'re master manipulators. You did a
good job.
TERRANCE
You loved our movie, Conan! We watched
it together. You... You laughed!
Conan grabs his head.
CONAN O\'BRIAN
What have I done?!!!
Conan grabs a gun and blows his head off, dousing Brooke
Shields with blood.
BROOKE SHIELDS
AGAHGAHGGH!!!! Mondays at eight
AAAGHGH!!!!
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. Kyle\'s mother cradles
Conan\'s lifeless body.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
You see what your filth has caused?
TERRANCE
US?! This is your mess, outraged mother!!
INT. CARTMAN\'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The boys are sitting on the couch in absolute shock.
STAN
Dude, our moms arrested Terrance and
Phillip!
KYLE
Our moms suck!
CARTMAN
This could mean... No more Terrance and
Phillip - EVER!
EXT. UNITED NATIONS - DAY
Establishing shot.
INT. UNITED NATIONS - GENERAL ASSEMBLY ROOM
Lots of foreigners with their silly foreign outfits sit at
their stupid microphones with their ridiculous translation
headsets -- in the general assembly hall. The Canadian
Ambassador stands before them.
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
As The Canadian Ambassador, I hereby
condemn the actions taken by America in
apprehending Terrance and Phillip!
A MURMUR goes through the crowd.
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
We demand their release IMMEDIATELY!! As
you can see from this graph, the entire
economy of Canada relies on Terrance and
Phillip! Without them we are doomed to
recession!
The United Nations head bangs his gavel.
Now Kyle\'s mother stands up. She is with a group of mothers
all wearing M.A.C T-shirts.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
If I may?
Everyone looks at Kyle\'s mother.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
As president and founder of M.A.C., I
would like to state-
UNITED NATIONS HEAD
Excuse me, M.A.C.?
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Yes, Mothers Against Canada.
UNITED NATIONS HEAD
Kay.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
I would like to state that Canada must
learn to stop infiltrating our country
with its graphic art!
Cheers from the Americans.
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
Last time I checked America was a free
country!
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Look at this!
Kyle\'s mother pulls Kenny\'s mother up by the head.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
This woman\'s child was KILLED by your
country\'s humor! Look how upset she is!
Kenny\'s mom looks fine.
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
We will continue to sell Terrance and
Phillip videos to anyone retarded enough
to buy it!!
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Then you leave me no choice... I call for
an EMBARGO on ALL Canadian Imports!!!
More cheers from the Americans. The Canadians look worried.
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
The boys are in the check out line at Bob\'s supermarket.
CARTMAN
What the hell do you mean I can\'t get
Cheesy Poofs?!
BOB
Sorry, kid. Cheesy Poofs are a Canadian
export. We can\'t carry them any more.
KYLE
Who the hell made up that law?!
CARTMAN
You can\'t do this!! Have you ever HAD
Cheesy Poofs? They\'re a taste sensation
with a delightful cheddar crunch.
BOB
There\'s nothing I can do. I can still
sell you Cheese-o\'s.
CARTMAN
FUCK Cheese-os and FUCK you!
Cartman storms out. The boys follow him.
INT. CARTMAN\'S HOUSE - DAY
The boys walk into Cartman\'s house. Cartman slams the door
behind him. The boys all walk toward the living room.
CARTMAN
Come on, you guys... We have to THINK!
STAN
About what?
CARTMAN
About Cheesy Poofs, dumbass! This
whole thing has gone too far!
KYLE
I don\'t really think you need Cheesy-
Poofs, tubby-
But the boys come to an abrupt halt when they reach the
living room and see that all four mothers are waiting for
them, silently.
Everyone just sits there for a second. The lighting on Kyle\'s
mother\'s face looks almost evil.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Boys, we have to have a difficult
discussion.
KYLE
We already know what you did. We saw it
on television.
STAN
Yeah, how come you arrested Terrance and
Phillip?
STAN\'S MOTHER
Stanly, you\'re too young to understand
what\'s good for you. That\'s why we
mothers have taken charge.
KYLE
But they fucking didn\'t do anything
wrong!
CARTMAN
Yeah! And what rim job expert went and
outlawed Cheesy Poofs!?
The mothers all gasp in horror.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
What was that word, young man!?
CARTMAN\'S MOTHER
Oh, he said rim job. It\'s when someone
licks your ass for-
KYLE\'S MOTHER
I know what it is!
CARTMAN
(To his mother)
Lick someone\'s ass?!
KYLE\'S MOTHER
The Terrance and Phillip movie has
obviously done irreparable damage to
their brains. We have to put them in
rehab right away.
KYLE
What\'s that?
KYLE\'S MOTHER
You boys need help. There are rehab
centers that specialize in treating
people with chronic addictions to bad
language.
STAN\'S MOTHER
There are?
Kyle\'s mother thinks for a second.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Well no, I guess not... But we will
establish the first of its kind right
here in South Park. All the children in
town will have to attend and receive
treatment from the school counselor Mr.
Mackey! Ooh I just love when I get these
sorts of ideas!
CARTMAN
Why? So you can fuck up our life some
more?
CARTMAN\'S MOTHER
Eric! Don\'t talk to Ms. Brovlofski that
way!
CARTMAN
But mom! I\'m not fucking addicted to
fucking bad language! I don\'t have a
fucking problem!
INT. HELL - DAY
Kenny walks through the black void of hell. A trippy, single
shaft of light seems to follow him wherever he goes.
KENNY
Mphrmo?
No answer... No nothing...
Kenny continues on, flames shoot up randomly from the ground
scaring the shit out of him.
KENNY
MPHR!! MMLY MMT!
Suddenly, Kenny hears a CLAWING NOISE. It gets louder and
louder. Kenny starts to run faster and faster. Now the
clawing is RIGHT BEHIND HIM! Kenny spins around. He is face
to face with SATAN!
Satan looks down at Kenny and shoots flames out his nose.
Kenny\'s eyes bulge open.
KENNY
MMMMMPHPHPHPHP!!!!!
SATAN
Fallen one... We have such sights to show
you!
Kenny shakes. Satan turns to a whispy form and flashes across
the room like a serpent, in a millisecond he is right up in
Kenny\'s face.
SATAN
I am Satan. I am your God, now.
KENNY
MPH RM!!!
Kenny tries to run away, but Satan again changes form, flies
across the room and cuts Kenny off.
SATAN
Come with me. I will show you what
delightful pain awaits.
Two black DEMONS grab Kenny by the arms and start to lead him
away.
KENNY
MMMMMPHPHP!!!!
Just then, SADDAM HUSSEIN show up next to Satan.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Oh, a new recruit, huh? Welcome to hell,
kid! Relax! Take a load off!!
SATAN
You remember... Saddam Hussein, don\'t
you?!
Kenny\'s eyes grow wide.
KENNY
MMMPPH!!!
EXT. REHAB CENTER - DAY
Establishing shot of the small Betty Fordesque building.
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK\'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids are sitting in chairs in a circle. There are anti-
drug signs on the walls: Crack is Whack Get High on
Pottery and, I Go From Zero to Bitch in .9 Seconds. MR.
MACKEY, the wiry school counselor, leads the group. There\'s
a pottery wheel and lots of craft tables behind them.
MR. MACKEY
Mkay, it\'s come to my attention, that you
boys have a potty-mouth problem, mkay.
Now the sooner you recognize your
problem, mkay, the sooner we can get you
back to your third grade homeroom where
you belong.
KYLE
But they\'re just words, Mr. Mackey. Our
parents are over-reacting.
BEBE
Yeah, Wendy\'s here, and she doesn\'t even
like Terrance and Phillip!
Wendy looks bored. Stan tries to smile at her, but she
doesn\'t even acknowledge him.
Meanwhile, Cartman is violently shaking in his seat.
CARTMAN
Ugh... You guys, seriously... I\'m having
Cheesy Poof withdrawal...
MR. MACKEY
Mkay, kids from all over the State have
been brought here, because you all share
the same problem. Uh, young man... Let\'s
start with you.
He points at Gregory. The little British bastard from the
lake.
GREGORY
My name is Gregory... And I have a potty
mouth.
Wendy looks at Gregory. Stan notices this.
CARTMAN
You\'ve got a stupid accent too.
MR. MACKEY
Eric, that is not appropriate.
CARTMAN
What? Fuck French people. Fuck \'em in the
ear.
MR. MACKEY
Mkay, you see, children. This is exactly
what I\'m talking about. We have to change
the way you think.
GREGORY
How are you gonna do that?
Mr. Mackey crosses to a piano. He plays chords while speaking
the following lines.
MR. MACKEY
There are times when you get suckered in,
by drugs and alcohol and sex with wom-en.
But it\'s when you do these things too
much
(Singing)
That you\'ve got to clear your head
and get back in touch...
Mr. Mackey plays the piano and sings:
MR. MACKEY
You can do it, it\'s all up to you,
mkay?
With a method, there\'s nothing you
can\'t do, mkay?
You don\'t have to spend your life
addicted to crack
Homeless on the streets giving hand-
jobs for cash
as long as you follow this simple
plan
I\'m fully convinced that it\'s,
easy, mkay...
The kids are extremely disinterested. Mackey walks over to a
chalkboard.
MR. MACKEY
Step one: Think about fun. Think
about all that you\'ll miss addicted
to this
Step two: Think it all through.
Think how\'s this gonna change my
life, what am I gonna miss?
Step three: Go and hug a tree, Hug
anything that gets in your way!
And step four: Just don\'t do it
anymore - it\'s easy, Mkay!
Mackey gets the children in a circle all holding hands.
MR. MACKEY
Come on, kids! Sing along!
KIDS
(Extremely half-assed)
You can do it, it\'s all up to you
mkay?
With a method, there\'s nothing you
can\'t do, mkay?
We don\'t have to spend our lives
addicted to crack
Homeless on the streets giving hand-
jobs for cash
MR. MACKEY
As long as you follow my simple
plan
I\'m fully convinced that it\'s,
easy, mkay...
Everyone starts dancing in a circle.
KIDS
Step one: Think about fun. Think
about all that you\'ll miss addicted
to this Step two: Think it all
through. Think how\'s this gonna
change my life, what am I gonna
miss?
Step three: Go and hug a tree, Hug
anything that gets in your way!
And step four: Just don\'t do it
anymore - it\'s easy, Mkay!
MR. MACKEY
It\'s easy, Mkay?!
Everyone falls down laughing.
INT. REHAB CENTER - LOUNGE
Kyle\'s mom and the other moms watch the kids and Mr. Mackey
rolling around on the floor laughing on a security monitor.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
What the hell do they think this is?!
Summer camp?!
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK\'S BETTY FORD CENTER
Just then, Kyle\'s mother walks in with a scowling look,
interupting the kids and Mr. Mackey who are still laughing
merrily. The other mothers are behind her.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Mr. Mackey, what is going on?!
Mr. Mackey stands up, looking scared.
MR. MACKEY
Uh, we\'re just, starting our program...
KYLE\'S MOTHER
This is NOT a place for fun and games!
This is rehabilitation! Now GET TO IT!!
We at MAC have a trial to go to!
The mothers walk away.
MR. MACKEY
Mkay.
CARTMAN
God Damn it your mom is a bitch, Kyle.
Kyle hangs his head.
EXT. SUPREME COURT - DAY
A news reporter stands in front of the Supreme Court. All
around him are protestors, with signs that say CANADA NO! and
CAN\'TADA! Still others hold signs with Kenny on them.
NEWS REPORTER
Tom I\'m standing in front of the U.S.
Supreme Court where the most important
trial of the - day - is happening.
Thousands of people have shown up from
all over the country to show their
outrage and disgust at Canada. Joining me
now is Mrs. McKormick, mother of the poor
little boy who was killed by the
Canadians.
Kenny\'s mother steps into frame. She is wearing a shirt with
Kenny\'s picture on it. Written on the T-shirt is \'Have you
seen my son? No, you haven\'t. He\'s dead.\'
NEWS REPORTER
Mrs. McKormick, you must really hate the
Canadians.
KENNY\'S MOTHER
Yes, yes I do, Tom.
NEWS REPORTER
Did you ever think you would see the day
when thousands of people were wearing
your son Kenny on T-shirts?
KENNY\'S MOTHER
No I didn\'t. But if any of you would like
one they\'re 14.95. Available in blue or
white.
The reporter thinks for a second, and then turns back to the
camera.
NEWS REPORTER
Well, we can only imagine the intense,
vehement trial that is going on inside.
INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY
Terrance and Phillip are on the stand.
JOHNNY COCHRAN
Terrance and Phillip... You knowingly,
with malice of forethought were trying to
destroy American culture, yes or no?
Terrance rips a fart.
JOHNNY COCHRAN
YES OR NO!
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK\'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids are all in the main room, sitting on a couch,
huddled around a television.
They laugh merrily.
STAN
Shh! Mr. Mackey\'s gonna hear us!
INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY
TERRANCE
The Americans are just showing their TRUE
COLORS as smelly bastards.
PHILLIP
Fight the power!
TERRANCE
The young boy that died lit himself on
fire. It was unfortunate, but how can
they blame US?
PHILLIP
Don\'t believe the hype!!
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK\'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids all shout agreement.
KIDS
(Adlib)
Yeah! WooHoo!
BACK TO COURTHOUSE
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
TERRANCE
You cannot oppress us! We will continue
to pursue our art. We know there are
Americans out there who will help us!
Kyle\'s mother now stands up from the prosecutor\'s table.
KYLE\'S MOTHER
Your \'ART\' is shallow a